***Please read the whole post***
So, awhile ago I cheated on Caleb. I had sex with two guys. Bringing my sex number up to 9. It hurts because I'm only 15 (as of Aug 3) years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. I told Caleb yesterday. He didn't leave me though, miraculously. Cheating takes a lot. I don't have whatever it takes to cheat because my guilt is tearing my apart on the inside. I can't escape it. It hurts knowing I hurt him. He is the first guy (and only) to not use me and leave like everyone else, the first guy to treat me like a princess and not like an object. And the last thing I wanted to do was push him away. I may be a strong individual but I'm falling apart. I mean, how lucky am I? I fucking cheated on my soul-mate and he STAYED with me. I don't think I could ever find another guy with his forgiving heart. I love him so much and it hurt so bad to hurt him like I did.
He is so hurt right now it kills me, but it's completely justified. He really is my soul-mate and I don't have a single doubt about that in my mind. He makes me feel beautiful and wanted and worth something. Just don't cheat on anyone, it's not worth it. I hurt his pride, and his dignity and that kills me inside. I feel like every part of my body fell apart and my skin is holding me together, or else I'd be pieces on the floor. I took his virginity. He was my 7th. That guilt kills me too, but it's not as bad as cheating. Just don't do it. God, I feel so disgusted with myself. Alcohol makes you make some pretty unclear decisions. I love him so much and I will never make a stupid mistake like that again in my entire life. That was wrong. Very. Wrong.
He told his friends about it and I feel so judged. I wish he hadn't told anybody. Because it's OUR business and it's MY shame... I wish it was just between us, but I understand sort of because I wouldn't want him to go through it alone. He didn't degrade me when he told them either. According to him he said, "You know -----? Well, he took away the best thing in my life." Which I'm still here but I understand.
I just wish I had made better decisions. And Caleb, if you're reading this, I am so sorry babe, I love you with all of my heart and I'm sorry I am so stupid. I'm glad and grateful you forgave me, I didn't deserve but you love me too much to walk away and I will thank you for that every day for the rest of our lives. You're my only one baby, I love you Caleb.
My life lesson(s): Just because guys have hurt you in the past, not everyone is like that, so don't push away the one person in your life who really cares about you. Don't make a irrational decision because you're drunk, insecure, and scared. Drink responsibly. Consider who your decisions hurt.
I love you Caleb.
~ZaynahB<3
