Cheating...

    ***Please read the whole post***
    So, awhile ago I cheated on Caleb. I had sex with two guys. Bringing my sex number up to 9. It hurts because I'm only 15 (as of Aug 3) years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. I told Caleb yesterday. He didn't leave me though, miraculously. Cheating takes a lot. I don't have whatever it takes to cheat because my guilt is tearing my apart on the inside. I can't escape it. It hurts knowing I hurt him. He is the first guy (and only) to not use me and leave like everyone else, the first guy to treat me like a princess and not like an object. And the last thing I wanted to do was push him away. I may be a strong individual but I'm falling apart. I mean, how lucky am I? I fucking cheated on my soul-mate and he STAYED with me. I don't think I could ever find another guy with his forgiving heart. I love him so much and it hurt so bad to hurt him like I did.
    He is so hurt right now it kills me, but it's completely justified. He really is my soul-mate and I don't have a single doubt about that in my mind. He makes me feel beautiful and wanted and worth something. Just don't cheat on anyone, it's not worth it. I hurt his pride, and his dignity and that kills me inside. I feel like every part of my body fell apart and my skin is holding me together, or else I'd be pieces on the floor. I took his virginity. He was my 7th. That guilt kills me too, but it's not as bad as cheating. Just don't do it. God, I feel so disgusted with myself. Alcohol makes you make some pretty unclear decisions. I love him so much and I will never make a stupid mistake like that again in my entire life. That was wrong. Very. Wrong. 
    He told his friends about it and I feel so judged. I wish he hadn't told anybody. Because it's OUR business and it's MY shame... I wish it was just between us, but I understand sort of because I wouldn't want him to go through it alone. He didn't degrade me when he told them either. According to him he said, "You know -----? Well, he took away the best thing in my life." Which I'm still here but I understand.
    I just wish I had made better decisions. And Caleb, if you're reading this, I am so sorry babe, I love you with all of my heart and I'm sorry I am so stupid. I'm glad and grateful you forgave me, I didn't deserve but you love me too much to walk away and I will thank you for that every day for the rest of our lives. You're my only one baby, I love you Caleb. 
    My life lesson(s): Just because guys have hurt you in the past, not everyone is like that, so don't push away the one person in your life who really cares about you. Don't make a irrational decision because you're drunk, insecure, and scared. Drink responsibly. Consider who your decisions hurt. 
    I love you Caleb.
       ~ZaynahB<3

Changes?

    I've changed the blog because I've changed a lot since I've made this blog. I'm not really that much of an outcast anymore, so I'm sorry if the title is misleading in any way. I'm also going into my sophomore year of highschool this September. I'm still Zaynah, just a more mature, more accepted Zaynah. I love Caleb, and I know I said that about Jon, but I was also 12 years old, and I understand that I'm only 15 (as of August 3rd this year) but I understand how I feel about him. It's more than picking flower petals, holding hands in the hallway, Netflix movies, roadtrips, short naps together, watching each other dream, holding each other just because, it's so much more than that. It's like being addicted to a drug, you can't go without it after you can't go without it without getting sick or cry or get the shakes. It's how I feel about him. 
    Off topic. Anyways, it changed, but I'm still here for teenage outcasts, because I was MOST DEFINITELY there last year. I remember what it was like. If you need help just e-mail me. (zay.and.caybear@gmail.com) Stay strong. Don't hurt yourself, think about your family. Imagine a younger sibling or family member finding you passed away. Think about your future husband/wife, your future kids, if you kill yourself now, they will never exist. Highschool/middle school/elementary school ends someday, just remember that, people DO mature, and it DOES get better, I promise. Stay strong beauties!<3

                  ~ZaynahB <3

Writing A Story?

    So I've decided to pull through and write a story. I've always had lots of creative writing inspirations somewhere in my noodle. But the fact that I'm actually trying is new for me. I've had some problems with stories. So no, it is not my first attempt at writing one. But, the embarrassing part is the old stories I would write would just be like, fantasies and what not. (Actually they were just sex stories written by like 10 year old me... yeah.) But anyways, I am actually trying to like, have a plot and what not in this one. The two main characters are Preslie Gryphon, and Jason Coles. 
    I put together some tips on writing a story for everybody!:    
      1. Stay focused!
            -cut out any and all distractions if you want to
             get a certain amount done-
            2. Don't push yourself!
            -try not to force yourself to write, because 
             you can make yourself lose inspiration and lose
             interest in your story-
            3. Don't write what's expected!
            -don't write what you want to happen, because
       that's probably what is expected to happen and 
       you always want to keep the reader guessing and
       always on his/her toes!-
      4. Not always happy-ever-after!
            -not all stories end happily, don't be afraid to end 
             with a heart-wrenching tearjerker (especially if you
       want to add a sequel)-


   So I really hoped I helped in some way, I'll update this post if I ever come across more tips that are helping me. I'm posting every day almost now, I'll come up with more of a balanced schedule, but for now, I'll keep up! I promise!
   But anyways, keep a look out for more posts.
              ~Live*Laugh*Love~

*OH MY GOSH, the ENTIRE time I was typing this there were bugs all over my room because summer is just like that-_- I hate this part of NY*

             ~ZaynahB <3

Personal Life...

      So I just wanted to write a little bit. So for almost 8 months I've been dating this fellow named Caleb. 8 months is a long ass time, the longest relationship I've ever had. Like holy shit. It's a lot. I love him, don't get me wrong, but 8 months is a very long time. I miss being single. The conflict is just tearing me apart. Life is just really complicated. I'm going into my sophomore year this September, I'm turning 15 in August. My life is just starting. All these years, I thought my life was just going on, but no, it's really just starting. I have to get a job soon, settle down with Caleb and start a life. It's all so intimidating... I think I can handle it though. I get my first pipe soon! Excited! It's metal and I get it for free!<3 Well I'm going to go because I'm already tired of writing, buh bye!<3
~ZaynahB <3

Everybody Has It!...

Everybody Has It!...

The term "everybody has it", or "everyone is wearing it," is definately controversial... When you walk into school everyday, there is something new that you don't have, you feel self-consious, and you don't want to be in school anymore. The reality of that is, it's not like someone is going to go up and ask you "Why aren't you wearing that shirt?" No one asks that. Because the 'cool' people, have their own monarchy and their own stupid broad and narrow ideas of how 'un-cool' people act, dress, think, and live.
My challenge to those of you who are scared to dress the way you want to, is to wear it, for two days, wear what you want, go totally non-brand-names. For two days. Just two. It's not the end of the world I promise. What do you think people wore before "Hollister" or "Aeropostale" or "American Eagle" or "Abercrombie & Fitch" Were made? They sure as hell didn't wear them. Crack out the ole solid colored shirts if you have to. The status quo should stop relying on letters on a T-shirt.
When you walk into anywhere and see a shirt you like, you run over to it, all excited and you think, "I NEED this shirt." Then... You look at the price tag... Darn... So you walk out, empty handed, shirtless. Then you go someplace else, someplace where everybody you know goes on a daily basis... You see one... Two... Three... Four girls wearing THAT shirt. So you throw on a hoodie or sweater, hoping no one will notice that you're not wearing the new 'in' shirt. And you waste the rest of your day, stressing and self-consious, worrying about who sees you... Sound familiar?... That's just not a way to live...
So, I think we should break that tradition, just wear non-brand name clothes for two days. You'll be surprised to see how many 'cool' people will do it too... (Although, they'll probably have to go out and buy something.) Just try it, break the chain, see if you like it. You'll also be surprised at how much more less-stressed you feel.

~Live*Laugh*Love~

~~Have a non-name brand day~~

~~~Zaynah<3~~~

Bulling... The never ending cut...

I'm not going to tell you "You're beautiful, you're funny, you're cute, you're the nicest person I know." I'm not going to tell you this, simply because, those are just words. They can lighten the mood, but when you are feeling down, really, really down, that won't even cut into making you feel better. 
When you were younger, you didn't go to school, and the funny part about that, is I feel as if those were the best part of my life... Before I had to go to school... I would give ANYTHING in the world, anything, if I didn't have to go to school...
The people around you influence you ALL the time. When you see someone look at you and chuckle a little bit, you start to feel insecure, don't you? When you hear someone faintly say your name while whispering to someone else, you're self-esteem is knocked down a little bit, isn't it? When someone puts food on your face in front of everyone in your grade, and another grade, you feel like crawling under a rock forever, and ever, and ever, don't you?
THIS is normal, because other peoples view of you takes a toll on how you view yourself. I don't understand why, but to be honest, we have to FIGHT so hard with our human instincts everyday to be a GOOD person. And other peoples opinions effect your opinions on other people. 
Please don't ask me to explain that, because I can't, not even if I Googled it. I think the point that I'm trying to get at is, actually, I don't have a point. My point WAS all of that...

Coupons & "Give Me Back"...

I have a mother who is OBSESSED with couponing... She has a binder full of coupons. She calls it "The Bible." I used to like the show Extreme Couponing. But not anymore. Just the abyss of all that chaos is totally unappealing. Who wants to be that stressed and flustered? Definetly NOT me! And most of the people on the show dont even use a binder they used their purse. Which is usually a bottomless pit... Ugh. 'Nuff said.


Now for my poem, Give Me Back:
Give me back those tears I wasted on you.
Give me back the times I cared.
Give me back the hours I thought about you.
Give me back the minutes we spent together.
Give me back the pleasure I gave you.
Give me back the heart you stole.
Im no longer innocent, you took that.
Im no longer happy, you took that.
Im no longer alive.
Im alone.
Give me back my life...